C.S. Lewis speaks the truth. The real danger in all of this is not that I'll deny the existence of God, but rather that I'll come "to believe such dreadful things about Him".
Here are some of the questions rolling around in my brain these days.
- How do I trust God, and what can I trust Him for?
- What does God promise for this life, here on earth?
- Is there any point asking Him for certain things, if He already knows what's going to happen anyway?
- Do I ask Him just because I have nothing to lose by asking, or can I ask Him with any real faith and expectation?
- How do I let go of my performance tendencies - the compulsion I feel to appease God, learn my lesson, get it right so that He won't hurt me again?
- If this pain is necessary in my life for some reason, is there any point begging God for tenderness?
- What are God's thoughts toward restoration? How does He restore things, and does He ever promise to restore them to us here on earth?
- Is God trying to teach me something? How is He trying to change me?
- How would I react in the face of another subsequent loss?
- What agreements/vows have I made as a result of losing Cora?
- How has my understanding of God's character changed? How can I orient my heart toward Him in a healthy way despite this change in my understanding?
- How much am I depending on myself to fix this? Do I feel a compulsion to take matters into my own hands because I can't trust God to deliver?
- Has any good come from Cora's death? Will any good ever come from it? Did she have to die for that good to be achieved?
- What can I really learn from Job's story?
It occurs to me that the only prayer I have right now is "Lord, have mercy".
