That prayer from March of this year, right after finding out we were pregnant? Not answered. Baby not protected. Baby not safe. Baby's growth and development PERFECT. Baby not coming home in November. Baby Cora Abigail dead.
On July 31, 2009, I journaled about the assumptions I make about God. Here are some of them, along with the responses they provoke from me now that I've suffered a big loss.
- God is good, all the time. But that doesn't mean I'm going to like everything He does, and that I won't feel hurt and betrayed by it. I don't even know for sure now what GOOD even means, or whether my definition and understanding of GOOD is the same as God's. Obviously it isn't.
- God will never leave me. But sometimes He will be so frustratingly silent.
- God loves me and wants the very best for me. But will His love for me take the form I expect it to? And it's entirely possible - if not probable - that His best for me is not always something I will like.
- God wants me to know His heart and His will for my life. Well, that all just became a lot more difficult.
- God's plans for me are good. His plans for my life here on earth, or just for my soul in heaven? And are our definitions of good even the same?
- God wants me to be content - not necessarily "happy". Well, I certainly am not "happy" now. As far as being content...I don't know. Do I have a choice? Is the only other alternative to be miserable and hopeless?
- The safest place is in the center of God's will for me. It still doesn't mean that I'm going to like everything to be encountered and experienced in the center of His will.
- God still loves me and sees the big picture. It would be very nice if He'd let me in on that "big picture" once in a while.
