Tonight I wish I was sitting here on the sofa, having just put M to bed, rubbing my tummy and feeling Cora Abigail kicking away. Feeling that sense of anticipation knowing we'd get to meet her very soon with my due date less than a week away. That whole experience with M feels very far away now, and the chance of ever being in that place again seems far away too. Somedays it feels almost unattainable, as though I can't imagine that I might ever get what I desire and hope for. As though God and the universe have decided that nothing can ever go my way again. Is this what it feels like to have the world set against you?
It tears me apart to think of what I'd be doing, how I'd be feeling right now if Cora was still alive - if none of this had ever happened. I picture myself sitting here, in a completely different frame of mind - content, excited, nervous, happy. Now instead I feel discontent, bitter, tired, broken, lost.
It's not fair. I can't be happy right now for anyone who has or is about to have what was taken from me. I'm so mad, and all I can do is cry about it. Nothing will bring Cora back. Nothing will change the crappy state of my life. Nothing will fix this.
"The darkness lingers for a long time, perhaps for the rest of our earthly lives. Even if we really do overcome our own pain (which is doubtful in my mind), we nevertheless find ourselves more sensitive to the pain of others and more aware of the darkness that envelops the world. The choice to enter the darkness does not ensure we ever completely come out on the other side. I am not sure we can or should." - A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, Jerry Sittser
