I'm angry that other people have babies to look forward to right now when I don't. I'm angry that I've been sidelined and that I don't have a baby to prepare for, to shop for, to do laundry for, to buy diapers for, to bring things up from the basement for, to daydream about. It's a really awful feeling and I just don't know if it will get any better until I have another baby to do all of those things for.
I've got so much energy - energy to nest, create, nurture - and nowhere to direct it. I feel lost. Nothing feels exciting or interesting. Inspiration is hard to come by.
I keep crying today. I feel let down, discriminated against, unloved. I feel foolish to even ask God to never let me go through this again, to let every future pregnancy end with a healthy, living baby. Yet I ask anyway because I don't know how to do anything else. I pray for the hope to believe that He might even hear me. I ask Him to honor what I've lost, the dues I've paid. I don't even know if He works that way, as though he'll compensate me for my pain. And yet, He did it for Job, so maybe, just maybe, he'll hear me and answer me too.
