Yesterday I marvelled that only one week ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. It's almost as though Cora's absence causes me to forget what a huge thing that was - to give birth. I worry that other people will forget that I went into labor. I felt pain and discomfort. I pushed a baby out of my body, a baby that I could hold and touch. It was a big deal. Cora was a big deal.
Today I went shopping for an outfit to wear to Cora's burial service tomorrow. The whole time I just felt mad and frustrated. I wanted to shout out to everyone in the store "Do you realize that I'm shopping for an outfit to wear when I bury my DAUGHTER?!? Why on earth am I having to pick out an outfit for this? I shouldn't be having to do this!" And then the challenge of finding something that will fit a post-partum body without being one of those infuriating maternity outfits that actually accentuates your swollen belly. Perhaps the cruelest jab of all - having finally to purchase a maternity dress to wear to the burial of the baby that should still be kicking in my belly but is not.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow. My friend S encouraged me to let other people feel the full weight of who I am, and I guess that means just being real about what I'm feeling. So I don't want to hide anything tomorrow. Cora also deserves the full weight of my tears and sadness. I hope that the service tomorrow honors her. I want to celebrate everything that she was and everything that she would have become.
I wonder what it will be like to see her casket and know that she's inside, so close to us, but that we can't see her one last time.
