Everyone seems to be talking about gratitude right now. A season of gratitude. It is true that our family has so much to be thankful for, despite what happened to Cora. And yet, I feel challenged this season to include her in our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations by also being thankful for her. It's so hard to be thankful for something that also has so many regrets and what-ifs attached to it too. It's hard for me to say that I'm thankful for my seven months with Cora without in the same breath regretting that it was only seven months and not a lifetime. It's hard to be thankful for her life when I will never know her here, in this life. It's hard to be thankful for Cora's health - and my own health too - when it seems that nothing was gained by it.
And yet, about a week ago the question entered my mind -
Would you rather have a child in heaven, who you will only know there, and whose journey there (i.e. death) will hurt you deeply, OR no child at all, a child who was never conceived and does not exist anywhere?
I think I still choose the former, despite the pain I know it brings and the difficult questions it raises.
I choose Cora, even though our time together was too short. I'm thankful that she was conceived. I'm thankful that she lived long enough for me to feel her moving and kicking inside of me. I'm thankful for her beautiful birth. I'm thankful that I got to hold her and see her beauty and perfection. I'm thankful that although Cora is gone, she is not lost, and I will see her again in heaven. I am thankful for Cora.
