All that can said of today is that it should be different.
The snow is beautiful. I wish Cora was in my arms to we could all watch it fall together. So I could feel like the most fruitful and favored woman in the world.
Above all I feel baffled, incredulous, and - although I hesitate to admit it - betrayed. Fooled. Stupid and pitiful. I feel so sorry for myself. I feel embarrassed, broken, small, ugly, and unremarkable. Undesirable. Empty-handed. Crushed and bruised. Broken-hearted. Poor in spirit. Simple-hearted. Hopeless.
I could go on and on.
The world will go on having babies, my friends will go on having their babies...and maybe one day I will have another baby too. But I will always remember today, this day, as Cora's day and the day of what should have been.
I miss her and I so wish that things would have been different. I will never accept Cora's death as OK. I will never be at peace with her death. I will never say that it was better that she died than that she lived. I will never get over her. I will never brush her aside and try to replace or forget her. I will never stop telling people about her, and I will never stop sharing her with our family. We will keep her photos out, where they will confront us. Cora was worth loving, and so she is worth grieving over. When I say my first words to her, then God's reign will be here.
